Twelve
by Willowers
Summary: One-shot. A take on what could've happened in 3x06 "Icarus" after Fitz leaves Olivia's apartment, with a brief flashback to Olivia's first night at boarding school. Warning: themes of self-harm and graphic non-Olitz smut. Just a little something I needed to get out. (No copyright infringement intended...They're all yours Shonda!) Feedback is welcomed!


"I was twelve Jake. Twelve."

Today was the absolute worst. Defiance, B-613, the affair scandal, Janine, Mellie calling her a whore. Olivia has dealt with more than her fair share of trauma and drama but today, Fitz showing up and basically denying his involvement in her mother's death was the. Absolute. Worst.

After Fitz left Olivia's apartment, Jake showed up twenty minutes later to check on her. She reluctantly let him in and they proceeded to open off a bottle of Patron. Wine wouldn't be enough for today. She'd already finished two glasses and the pain in her heart still felt live. fresh. new.

"Put your head right here," Jake said, pointing to his heart.

Olivia eyed Jake reluctantly and then proceeded to rest her head on his chest. Jake stroked her arm and caressed her hair attempting to comfort her. They sat that way for a while until Jake started to feel moisture leaking through his shirt.

She was crying, silently and Jake didn't really know what to do or say to comfort her.

"Liv," he whispered, "Its okay to just let it all out, to emote. No judgement. I'm here for you."

Olivia didn't respond, she just sat there and let the years of abandonment issues, the decades of trauma and hurt and pain drip down her face onto Jake's shirt. After a while, she buried her face in his chest and screamed into his shirt, muffling her rage with Jake's body. When the screams weren't enough she started sobbing in earnest, heartbreaking and shrill shrieks that she had no control over erupted from her mouth.

She was officially out of her body, out of her mind. The reigns of control she had cultivated for years snapped. She broke. She was broken. Olivia had gotten used to pain and absence as the most intimate of feelings. Time had taught her to swallow disappointment like she swallowed two bottles of wine and half a bottle of tequila. The accumulated trauma that coursed through her system on the regular had aged, fermented. It was acrid but tolerable. This new hurt though, this fresh violence just too much.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Fitz's unapologetic denial rang through her head at a migraine inducing frequency. She couldn't mute it. She couldn't tame it with alcohol or screaming or crying so she just hovered above herself, bearing witness to her own breakdown.

How was she going to quiet that sound. The deafening of sound of her heart breaking...again. The hurt started to travel from her heart to her head.

Every fucking day she missed her mother. Every. Fucking. Day. Fitz had been the person who quieted the steady hum of hurt had become elevator music in her psyche. When Fitz would ask for one minute, everything stopped. When they kissed, held each other, or made love, everything else faded away. He was her only quiet.

Not Defiance, or the fact that Fitz was married and could never really be there for her like she needed, or him fucking Amanda Tanner, or him treating her like garbage for the past year had done anything to negate that fact. When she heard his voice, even when he was angry at her, everything was quiet, peaceful.

Now she couldn't ever imagine hearing his voice again without retching. So she sat there sobbing uncontrollably while Jake held her, her heart breaking over and over again. Once more for her mother who was murdered by the love of her life.

"Liv," Jake spoke, shaking her from her dark reverie, "Maybe you should lay down, try to get some rest Its been a long day."

"Yeah, ok." she chuckled acidly. She didn't know if she would ever sleep again. She couldn't drink herself to sleep or cry herself to sleep and started to think about her teenage era sleep rituals.

***Flashback: Age 13***

Less than a year passed before her father could no longer stand to look at her and shipped her off to boarding school. She had started to look more and more like her mother, she'd rationalized when it happened. But knowing what she knows now, she figured the guilt must have become too much for him to bear.

She didn't fuss or pout or throw a tantrum when her father told her she'd be attending boarding school. She didn't say anything. She didn't have any really good friends back at home anyway. She didn't feel like she even had a home anymore once her mom was gone.

"Ms. Pope, Welcome to the Greenway Rise Campus of St. Anne's-Belfied School. I am Dr. Haines, the school Director. Right this way is your dormitory room where you can begin to unpack."

"Thank you Ma'am," Olivia nodded and put a little extra pep in her step to keep up with the tall, well coiffed headmistress. She tried to minimize the squeak of her bright green high top Chuck Taylors on the overly buffed floor of the residence hall while she rolled her luggage behind the no-nonsense administrator.

's-Belfied School was one of the oldest and most selective private preparatory schools in the country, and now, after a generous donation to her father, one of the best endowed. Her father even made a generous contribution to the school's equestrian society in exchange for opening up a stop for Olivia on the team. She hated horses. She hated riding. Her father however, told her that what distinguished and accomplished young women did, so she did it without complaint. As long as she was left alone in the evening to listen to music, draw, write and share stories and laughter with her mom over popcorn, she could sustain the weight of her father's heft expectations.

"Here we are Ms. Pope. The room has just recently been redone and, as per your father's request, we have assigned you the largest single room available."

"Thank you Dr. Haines, this is lovely."

"Well, Ms. Pope, I will see you 7am sharp, Monday morning in my office to discuss your class schedule." The headmistress gave her a terse fake smile and started clickity clakking back down to her office.

Olivia closed the door and released an exasperated breath, finally alone. She surveyed her new gilded cage glumly wishing her father had allowed her to be like all the "regular" exorbitantly wealthy children her age and have a roommate. But no, he thought she would enjoy the personal space and be best able to focus on schoolwork without a roommate. Its funny how his favors always felt like punishments.

Olivia began to unpack her belongings, starting first with her walkman and headphones, and her secret stash of her mother's things that she took from the house. She rifled through the box, fingering her mother's pearls, her sorority paddle, the little elephant figurines she liked to collect, an almost empty bottle of Chanel No. 5, an envelope of her most treasured photos. She touched her mother's things and breathed deeply trying to connect with her through all she had left: these sacred objects. She found what she had been looking for, a metal container filled with her mother's favorite tapes. She stroked the spine of each tape, remembering dancing in the house with her mother until she found what she was looking for, the one tape whole label was written in her mother's elegant script.

The table labeled, "Essential Nina" was a tape her mother made of her favorite Nina Simone songs, painstakingly recorded from reels of Nina Simone's live performances. Seeing the tape was at the beginning, Olivia popped the tape into her Walkman, put the cherry red headphones over her ears, and pressed play. She laid down on her unmade bed and closed her eyes, listening to the grainy analog noise before the recording started, the tape started right as the murmurs of the crowd began to subside.

_Baby you understand me now  
If sometimes you see that I'm mad  
Doncha know no one alive can always be an angel?  
When everything goes wrong, you see some bad_

Olivia let her body relax as she began to cry for the first time since hearing her mother had passed away. She stayed silent as she let the tears stream down her face, the moisture leak out of her nose. Eventually her whole body began to tremble as she was wracked with sobs.

She reached down to increase the volume on her headphones, attempting to drown her pain in the music.

But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good  
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Ya know sometimes baby I'm so carefree  
With a joy that's hard to hide  
And then sometimes it seems again that all I have is worry  
And then you're bound to see my other side

She couldn't believe she was gone.

_But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good  
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood..._

After the song faded out and the applause and noise of the crowd began to crescendo, she bolted up and furiously snatched off the walkman and threw it across the room. It luckily landed in her suitcase, making a muffled thud, instead of a noisy clatter. It was already the evening and most of the students were probably in their rooms. It wouldn't do well to embarrass her father on her fist day at the elite prep school.

Olivia began to pace around the room, taking deep breaths, trying to calm her heart rate, settle her sobs, and quiet the white noise in her head.

"She's really gone," Olivia whispered to no one. Sobs overtook her again as she held her head between her knees, hyperventilating. Her head was on fire, it felt like high frequency feedback was stuck on loop in her head. Her ears wouldn't stop ringing, her stomach felt queasy. She angrily shoved the box of her mother's sacred things off the bed and the contents fell out onto the carpet.

She looked desolately all she had left of her mother and her eye was drawn to a gold plated lighter. The gold was inlaid with roses made of rose quartz and little ivory tiles. She flipped the top off the lighter and watched the flame roar to life. She stared at the flame through her bleary eyes, transfixed. She rolled up the sleeve of her sweater and brought the lighter closer brown skinned hand and gasped at the hot pain, withdrawing her hand immediately.

As she blew on her hand, she noticed the noise in her head and the pain in her heart had been relocated to her hand. She examined her hand and saw no visible damage to skin. She took a deep breath, trying to exhale her anguish and flipped the lip on the lighter, again bringing it close enough to her skin to feel the heat, but far enough away to avoid visible damage. As soon as the heat started to hurt bad, she withdrew her hand and let her mind go quiet as the pain hummed through her hand. She found her quiet that night and every night for a long time. She was always careful, never leaving a mark but that flame became her nighttime ritual for the next two years so that she could dull the hurt in her enough to claim sleep.

***End Flashback, Present***

"Liv. Do you want to lay down or I can make you some coffee...What do you need right now? I'm here." Jake said softly, drawing Olivia out of her memory.

Liv looked at up Jake, "You wouldn't understand what I need right now," she mumbled.

Jake continued to stroke her arms, "Try me Liv. Like I said before, I'm here for you, no judgements, no expectations, just whatever you need Olivia, I'm here for you.

That was just like him, the good solider, the loyal watchman. She turned away from him, bringing her knees up to her chest. She said in a low whisper, "I need...I need," she let out a breath she'd been holding, "I need to quell my hurt with my sickness. I need to feel pain, heat...something."

Jake got off the couch and kneeled in front of Olivia, putting a hand on her knee, he used his other to gently draw her chin up so he could look her in the eye. He didn't say anything but looked her in the eyes and held her gaze. She watched his hazel eyes darken as his pupils dilated.

Jake moved the hand on her shoulder and brought it to her cheek and caressed her face. He held it while his other hand slowly graze her calf, moving up her knee to her inner thigh. He used his thumb and his index finger and grabbed a piece of flesh on her inner thigh, massaging the flesh. He tilted her head and leaned up to press his lips on her neck, as he pinched the flesh hard, twisting it with his thumb and index fingers. He increased the pressure of his fingers and sucked her bottom lip into his mouth as he dug his fingers into her flesh over her pants.

Olivia gasped in pain, letting out a breath she'd been holding. She closed her eyes and got lost in the sensation heat radiating from where Jake had pinched her. She shrugged him off of her neck and squared her chin. Looking Jake in the eyes, she said, "More."

Jake pushed her legs apart and grabbed her flesh on the untouched inner thigh, pinching her again. This time he applied a little more pressure and lightly pressed his nails into the fabric of her designer grey dress pants.

Olivia gave herself over the sensation, wanting to quiet out the raucous void she felt inside. She felt heat pool between her legs, her pussy getting wet. She thrusted her hips, slightly kneeing Jake in the chest. Jake recoiled, jumping to his feet. Olivia stood up as well, swaying forward as the effects of the alcohol hit at her, after being seated so long. Jake caught her with one hand, using the other to scoop her up under her knees. He then gingerly walked to her bedroom, lowering her onto the bed. He removed her shoes and went to her dresser to pull out a t-shirt.

Jake shook his head when he saw Fitz's navy t-shirt on the top of the folded shirts in her dresser. He slid out the shirt underneath it, a royal blue Yale t-shirt. As he turns back towards Liv, he sees that she has already removed her dress pants, blazer, and bra, laying back on the bed clad only in her ivory colored 1950s style briefs.

Jake felt himself harden when he saw Olivia's breasts jutting from her body. Her dark nipples had hardened in the cool air, and her legs were slightly open.

Jake approached the bed, t-shirt in hand, "Olivia," Jake said, "I brought you something to sleep in."

Olivia sat up and made eye contact with her blue Yale shirt in Jake's outstretched hand. She firmly pushed his hand away and shook her head. "No, I don't want that. I want more."

"Olivia. I said no judgements but I don't like to actively hurt you."

Olivia puffed her chest out, "Oh like when you were actively surveilling me against my will? Was that you not liking to hurt me!?," she said acidly. "You asked me what I wanted now will you give it to me or not?"

"Liv, come on –"

"No Jake!, "Olivia cut him off. She looked up at him and whispered, "Yes or no?"

Jake closed his eyes taking a deep breath. He would be dishonest if he pretended to not want her sexually. However, they had both been drinking, Liv was upset, and more than anything he wanted to make love to her, not have this kind of dark, intense encounter.

Olivia watched him deliberate while he had his eyes closed, she reached up and slapped him hard across the face.

He gasped in surprise and his eyes darkened as he looked at her in shock.

"Don't make this about you Jake. This is about me, what I want, what I need, and what I'm asking you for."

Jake stroked her face and brought her in for a tender kiss on the mouth. He drew her bottom lip into his mouth and sucked gently. Olivia pushed out of his kiss and brought her hand up to slap him again. Jake caught her hand before she could complete the motion,

"Olivia," he began

"No," she interrupted, "Not like that. I don't want...I don't need..."

Jake nodded in understanding, picking her up and lowering them both onto the bed. He stuck out his tongue to lave her shoulder and opened his mouth to bite firmly into the flesh on her shoulder.

Olivia whimpered in pain and pleasure as the rampant fuzziness in her concentrated and sharpened into where Jake's teeth were digging into her flesh. Jake applied hard suction with his bite, causing her pussy to open and release fluid. Her pelvis started squirming into Jake's growing hard on.

Jake released Olivia's skin from his mouth and repeated the move on her other shoulder, this time, grabbing her exposed nipple between his two fingers and pulling and twisting it harshly. The combined pressure and stimulation caused Olivia to get even wetter, as she felt fluid begin to saturate her underwear.

"This feels," she gasped, "It feels...I feel..I'm feeling..." She whispered between her increased breathing. Jake had grazed his hand down to her exposed inner thigh, digging in his fingernails. He used his two fingers to pull and twist her other untouched nipple, while he enclosed his mouth over the other, sucking hard.

Olivia began rutting her hips upward into Jake's erection. The onslaught of sensation and the feeling of Olivia pushing into his dick caused him to release his grip on her leg. He sat up on his knees, removing his shirt. Olivia reached up and gripped his dick hard with one hand as she used the other hand to unbutton his pants.

Jake grabbed Olivia's hands, placing them down by her side and nudging them under her body so that she was laying on them. Jake leaned down and began tracing a path between her breasts. He moved his head so that he was biting on the flesh on the side of her breast. He used his other hand to pull his dick out of his pants and briefs. He started stroking his dick to ease some of the frenetic tension he felt. He used his mouth to bite and suck her dark brown nipples hard. He opened his mouth to suck on her breasts, drawing her areole into his mouth. He released his hard dick and used his hands to grind his knuckles on the top of her legs, putting his weight on them as he continued to bite and suck her breasts.

Olivia moaned, feeling the moisture from her pussy completely dampen her satin underwear. She slid her hands from underneath her and used them to lower her underwear, obstructed by Jake's body. Jake leaned back on his knees, straddling Liv's body and helped her remove her underwear. Jake stroked his dick again when he saw the gleam of moisture surrounding Liv's pussy in the low light of the room. Jake scooted back so that he was positioned above her center. He stretched his dick back and let it go so that the tip slapped her clit. Olivia writhed at the sensation, thrusting her pelvis into the air. Jake pitched his hips back and then snapped them forward over and over so that his tip hit her clit again and again. Olivia rutted up to meet Jake's movements and his tip slid between her folds. Jake could feel the warm wetness begin to coat his dick and started grinding into her with less deliberate movements.

Olivia slid her hand down Jake's arm, sliding her manicured nails across his flesh until she reached his wrist. She attempted to pull on his hand towards her center. The heat had built up there and she found herself overwrought with the need to feel release. She pushed Jake's hand onto her pussy and began to buck up against it, wanting to feel pressure on her clit. Jake closed his eyes for a second to calm down his arousal while he took in the quiet of the room punctuated by the sound of her wet flesh rutting up against his hand and their heavy breathing.

"Finger me," Olivia breathed out, breaking the silence as she started rotating her pussy in hard circles against his hand. Jake inserted a finger into Olivia and they both gasped; her at the contact she'd been craving and him at the feeling of her hot walls fluttering around his finger. Olivia anchored her feet on the bed and bent her knees to make Jake's finger go deeper and whispered, "More," as she rode Jake's fingers. Jake inserted another finger and watched her breasts shake as she arched her back off of the bed. He used his thumb to stroke her clit gently and curled his fingers upwards to rub against the engorged flesh of her vaginal wall. Jake's movements caused even more liquid to leak out of Olivia's thrumming pussy, coating his palm and fingers in her fluids. With the added lubrication, Jake alternated between thrusting in and out rapidly with his fingers making her opening hot, and using his fingers to hit the spot inside of her.

Olivia gave herself over completely to the sensations, momentarily forgetting out how fucked up everything was, how fucked her relationship with Fitz felt, and the burning fresh hurt that was consuming her as the result of this latest trauma. She used her hands to pinch her own nipples while she rode Jake's hand with abandon. Jake ignored the ache in his wrist from the unnatural position his hand was in and continued to stroke her pussy, flicking her clit with his thumb sporadically. Olivia opened her eyes momentarily to catch a glimpse of Jake with his eyes closed, metering his breath. His used his free hand to jack off his dick, which at this point was leaking small amounts of fluid.

Olivia's pussy began to flutter from all the stimulation. "Jake, I'm close," Olivia breathed. She moaned and whimpered as she twisted her hips on him. He inserted another finger into her and put steady pressure on her walls. He opened his eyes to see her biting her lip, focused on reaching her climax, and made slow circles on her clit to bring her to closer her release. Olivia increased the intensity of her thrusting, knocking against his hand until her body stretched like a bow and paused as she fell over the edge. Olivia released a short shriek as her walls started clamping down on Jake's fingers. Jake continued to tap on her inner walls as she convulse on him, her pussy opening up even more to release a stream of heavy liquid, further saturating his already wet hand, the sheets, and his stomach. The sight of her squirting and the feel of her pussy on his fingers like a vice was sensory overload for Jake. He rubbed his dick on her thigh as she rode out her climax and pulled up to finish jacking his dick off, finishing all over his hand and stomach. Once Liv's climax subsided, he slowly removed his fingers from her pussy and put to fingers in his mouth to taste her. He moaned as he got up to clean his own fluids off of his hand and body. He returned with a towel, a warm rag, underwear, and a pair of pajama pants for Olivia. He used the rag to clean between her legs and helped her put on the underwear and pajama pants, placing the dry towel over the part of the sheets that was moistened with her cum.

Olivia closed her eyes while her breathing evened out. She checked in on her heart and still felt it, the fresh, new hurt. It was still there but it felt a little duller. She turned towards Jake, who was standing near the bed, silently asking if she needed her space. She patted the space next to her and said, "Let's go to sleep." Jake climbed into the bed next to her, giving her space but close enough for her to feel the warmth of his body. She looked at him, not knowing what to say or how to respond to what just happened between them. Jake smiled at her and used his fingers to close her eyes. He stroked her cheek as she relaxed her head again the pillow and surrendered to the sandman.


End file.
